“Man, you haven’t even heard music until you’ve heard it on lazerdisc.”
CHICAGO — While both hipsters and passionate music lovers alike have been tripping over themselves to snatch up the rarest vinyl records, a new trend has begun for people in search of the highest quality sound known to man. While vinyl may possess a certain warm & fuzzy comfort, lazerdisc is the format to which true fidelity freaks are turning.
The magic lies in the multi-colored grooves imbedded deep within the high-durometer plastic sheath. These grooves contain a whopping 14 million bits of data per millimeter, more than 30,000 times that of traditional vinyl. But not only is the data capacity well-beyond normal expectations (even beyond the aural capabilities of the human ear), its construction is so sound that lazerdiscs will remain on Earth for upwards of 100,000 years past human extinction. Whereas vinyl is a soft material that wears over time causing a marked decrease in sound quality, the high-impact polymer construction of lazerdisc creates a surface with impeccable durability, bordering on invincibility — the lazerdisc is a truly remarkable advance in music technology.
But the wonder of the lazerdisc is still largely unknown to America. While lazerdisc has been a go-to format for the music-insane Eastern European countries, America, as usual, has been slow to catch on. Even in the hipster mecca of Chicago, lazerdisc remains a mystery. However during a recent visit to a neighborhood record store — while on a lazerdisc mission of my own — I ran into a loyal fan who was just as hungry as I. The fire in Kurt Brontor’s eyes burned like a thousand bonfires; I could instantly tell he was was after lazerdiscs like a Mako shark after chum. “Aye yo, where’s y’all’s lazerdisc section?” inquired Brontor, a request that fell upon condescending gazes and tone deaf ears.
I pulled Kurt aside — finally, a kindred spirit! I asked him why, out of the myriad formats, he preferred lazerdisc, and his response couldn’t have come more enthusiastically. “Man, lazerdisc makes vinyl sound like a malt liquor-drenched cassette tape, ya know?” said Kurt. “There’s nothing like dropping the needle on a fresh lazerdisk. It’s like the sound of vinyl packaged in the rainbow vomit of a mythical unicorn.” I couldn’t agree more, but I pushed on. I asked Kurt why is he willing to drop upwards of $50 for a hot-off-the-press lazerdisc. He quickly replied, “Because it plays on the standard vinyl turntable that I already had, and besides that, you know it’s gonna last forever. Even when the needle starts to wear tiny, hairline grooves in the polymer, the sound quality just gets better and better!” The man clearly had experience, and knew what he was talking about.
While the undiscerning ear of the masses remains oblivious to the magic of lazerdisc, there are signs that the tide is turning. Upon leaving a recent Borgore concert, I overheard another brilliant soul who has caught onto the lazerdisc wave. Someone was saying something about “I can’t wait until Borgore puts this soundboard up on Soundcloud.” But this keenly aware womper butted in and said, “MP3??? Man, you haven’t even heard music until you’ve heard it on lazerdisc! If Borgore doesn’t burn this one to lazerdisc, he’s really fuckin’ up!” This youngblood had a point. Every artist who continues to overlook the ultra high-fidelity power of lazerdisc, and every DJ who continues to use archaic CDs and MP3s truly are “fuckin’ up”: Lazerdisc is the wave of the future.